Over the years you’ve gotten to know us for doggedly foisting our unwavering feminist ski vision onto an industry that would rather we didn’t, launching a print magazine when people have seemed to forget what paper is, and if that isn’t enough, we’ll soon debut our CBD intimacy line (Après Delight, keep an eye out) just when humans are content with ice cream dates with their cat.
Yes, even in normal times, things are always a little “different” at Coalition Snow, but we’ve taken note of some interesting trends in the outdoor industry this season. Perhaps we’re not the only ones who’ve noticed that everyone is heading like gore-tex lemmings to the backcountry. Not a huge surprise.
But we are wondering, is anyone really having a better time than they did partying in the city? With humans dedicated to permanently trading bar-hopping for meadow skipping, we thought we’d use our out-of–the–box and somewhat questionable decision making skills to jump into (another) crazy new product that takes “lips and buttholes” to a fun new place.
We want to know, have you ever pretended to like nature when you really craved the delicious depravity of onion-draped street meat after a whiskey-fueled night at your local dive bar (RIP)? Did you just drop hundreds (thousands) on a new backcountry kit only to still feel “hungry” for something less… good for you? Have you hammered up a couple dozen backcountry routes only to get to the top and ask, “Where the fuck is that beef?”
Other brands are falling all over themselves to offer the latest in technical gear, focused on the most state-of-the-art options to get you up the hill, and yet, no one has even considered the state of fucking partying down when you get to the top! Yes, there are the tried and true food options––PB&J, thermos of soup, pocket bacon, bag of trail mix, the sad smooshed bar from months ago that’s lingered in the weird pocket that you never use, Shot Bloks (do those even count as food?)… amongst other packable-but-snooze worthy chewing options.
You still awake? Just letting you know we’ve got your back… animal-style.
For the times when you wish the skin track was more like the ball park, the race track, or a day at Costco… Introducing the Coalition Snow Up-n-Down Dog ®, the world’s first Backcountry Hot Dog!
Yep, this is technical trail meat specifically formulated to meet the needs of even the heartiest partier on the hill, an organic grass-fed beef frank, made with our Up-n-Down anti-inflammatory spice mix, wrapped in a luscious buttered keto friendly brioche bun, and topped with your choice of your favorite condiments! All the building blocks of nutrition to fuel your uphill rager! Close your eyes and you’ll swear you’re at Coney Island. Well, Coney Island in February.
How does this work, you ask?
Choose from our meat treats:
- The Weight Weenie, for the non-committal Skimo snacker.
- The Slog Dog, our Jumbo, sodium-laden, type II sweatfest of a snack.
- And the Tree Hugger, our Vegan Sea Protein Based lunch treat, for the times when telling everyone you “ backcountry ski,” just isn’t enough.
Pro-tip. Pair with Tots and a Pickle. Mind the mustard.
Feeling hungry yet? We’ve made it easy to get your dog on:
DIY Dog: Keep your dog and condiments warm during your hike by carrying them close to your core in an inside pocket, in your armpit, or between your boobs, if you have them (recommended).
Doggy Drop-Off: We can meet you at the trailhead! Yes, teaming up with your questionable local delivery service, we offer contactless drop off. If you tell us the secret spot and time, we’ll show up like the party crashers we are!
Can’t get enough? Book our Up-N-Down “SnowDog” tracked-weinermobile for your next “cat” ski trip and blow up your secret stash with our secret sauce! Perfect for your next backcountry birthday, book club meeting, or gender reveal!
Frankly (hot dog pun) my party peeps, if you are one of the thousands left wondering why you picked up this infernal new hobby that seems to run on limited parking, single-file shuffling, fiddly bits, zig-zagging when you want just to go straight up, goddamn it, and that weird iron-y throat taste when you breathe too hard––don’t fret, grab an Up-N-Down Dog and put the fucking festival back in your sufferfest!