WE GET IT. You have dedicated your life (23.4 years on this planet) to learning everything there is about the latest and greatest gear. Tech. Specs. You know it all like Len Necefer knows how to crush a meme. Shit, you’re as dialed as Cody Townsend because you’re planning on bagging 51 peaks and you have the Strava stats to prove it. Adam Jaber is your boy crush. There were 257 people who liked your comment on Newschoolers (you left TGR a long time ago for obvious reasons). You have tested everything (insert eye roll and vocal fry here) and own it because PRO DEALS. You bang hot chicks (they just landed in that mountain town and don’t know better yet) and live for dawn patrol.
We know your type. But here’s the thing. We’re not like you, so the language you speak might as well be foreign. You’re the reason we don’t fuck with straight cis white men anymore.
If this scenario sounds familiar to you, you’re going to want to keep on reading for the solution to this long-standing, annoying AF issue that many of us have dealt with far too often: the dreaded mansplain at your local outdoor shop.
All you want to do is throw money at someone so that you can experience pure joy all winter and all summer long. But you can’t because the process of speaking to the human who is meant to sell you the product is so excruciating that you opt to ski your dad’s 15-year-old skis and your ex-boyfriend’s hardtail mountain bike that’s not even an original Bontrager.
This is where Coalition Snow comes to the rescue. Introducing Shop & Slay, a new service designed to help you navigate the dude soup. For just $69.69* we will accompany you to your local gear shop to not only wade through the bullshit but provide comedic relief to the typical interactions that normally encourage heavy day drinking and screaming into pillows.
We know that you’re worried about them thinking you’re not nice, but we got over that a long time ago. That’s why we’re able to walk into a shop with a “troll us forever on IG and see how that goes” attitude that results in actually finding the right gear based on your actual experience and preferences, rather than some made-up “this is what I think girls are capable of” narrative that is as effective as the “condoms don’t feel good” stance that resulted in only one person having an orgasm so WHAT’S THE POINT ANYWAYS. (Longest sentence ever and yet you’re still reading.)
For those of you who don’t live in the Reno/Tahoe area, we offer a virtual consultation that’s $4.20 per six-minute block (because we’re preparing to lawyer up for this shit so might as well be on the same time blocks also math makes that $42 an hour aka SCREAMING DEAL).
Shop & Slay takes the concept of bringing a man with you to buy a car to another level by eliminating the man (you’re welcome) but maintaining all the perks, including leaving with your sanity.
Think we’re kidding? Try us out. Your outdoor experiences will thank you.
* Yes, we’re immature and also you’re laughing and also what if we just got the shop to pay for it? Because WE’RE THAT GOOD.